Act Like a Basketball Player

You’ll never see the star basketball player with a lead role in the school play. Why? Because actors can’t play basketball. Apparently, I’m the only one who’s noticed. Hollywood has a long and storied history for throwing its pint-sized leading men onto the hardwood to “act” like they know what they are doing.

Most of the time, it’s a regrettable exercise in futility. Sometimes, it’s a trainwreck. Every once in awhile, Hollywood hoodwinks the naive movie-goer into believing that their favorite actor actually has “skills”.

I'm not fooled. Take a look at my scouting reports for actors who have portrayed basketball players. These are movies that I own in my extensive VHS movie collection, now collecting dirt in the furnace room. This is not a complete list. But, it is a sound representation of Hollywood and its lack of athletic leading men:


Michael J. Fox (Scott Howard) “Teen Wolf”
Not as the Wolf.

Pros: Consummate floor general, inspired team to big win against their biggest rival, led by two-sport star, Mike Piazza. Hit free throws during crunch time. Plus, brings the adage, "It's better to be the sweaty hairy guy, than to guard the sweaty hairy guy" to a new level.

Cons: Only 5’3”. Shoots a jump shot from the free throw line, hence he struggles from the stripe. Deliberate dribbler. Weak to his left. Too many awkward and forced, behind-the-back bounce passes to finish off fast breaks. Atrocious defender.

Real Life Comparison: Dan Dickau, moppy haired mite who plays backup PG for the abysmal LA Clippers NBA franchise.



Bud (Bud) “Air Bud”
Not in heat.

Pros: Great finisher at the rim. Fastest player on the court at all times.

Cons: Cannot dribble. Can’t create scoring opportunities for self. Needs a great PG to play with. Questionable work ethic. Motivational issues (usually cured with proper amount of kibble).

Real Life Comparison: Teen Wolf



C. Thomas Howell (Mark Watson) “Soul Man"
Not as a white guy

Pros: Always gets open for a shot. “Looks” like a basketball player, circa 1986.

Cons: Ballhog. Can’t pass. Can’t shoot. Can’t defend. Locker room cancer.

Real Life Comparison: Former NBA player, and fledgling actor, and very white black guy… Rick Fox. Just look at that picture for chrissakes! That's Rick Fox!



Wesley Snipes (Sydney Dean) “White Men Can't Jump”
Not fixing games to screw people out of money

Pros: Strong driving to the rim. Good defender. Range out to 20 feet. Knows the limitations of his teammates.

Cons: Too flashy for his own good: from his neon, too-short biker shorts to the three tank tops to the multiple 720-degree spinning layups. Susceptible to nefarious influences and character issues. Too willing to break up winning team for personal glory.

Real Life Comparison: Kobe Bryant, circa 2004.



Mark Wahlberg (Mickey) “The Basketball Diaries”
Not high on drugs

Pros: Rebounding machine. Skilled big man can pass, dunk and block shots with the best of them in the NYC church league, circa 1965. Stronger than most PFs in the league. Not afraid to mix it up inside.

Cons: He’s ONLY 5’6”! Geez, an 87-year old Abe Vigoda could post him up for chrissakes. Plus, he’s a hothead who is liable to get kicked out of a game at any time. He also goes for the flashy play instead of the safe, reliable one. Motivational issues. Character issues. HUGE drug issues. Prone to bouts of violent behavior.

Real Life Comparison: A poor man’s Charles Barkley really, really high on drugs.



Kevin Bacon (Jimmy Dolan) “The Air Up There”
Not as the guy from those HORRIBLE Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan that makes it obvious the two were never in the same room together… or that Kevin Bacon has a shred of athleticism.

Pros: Supposedly, a great player before knee injuries sapped most of his athleticism. Great mind makes him a great coach on the floor, or in the African bush.

Cons: Lousy with the dribble. Awkward form on his paper shots into wastebasket. Most of his success came against players from third-world countries that never played organized ball before.

Real Life Comparison: Paul Shirley, fledgling basketball player and author who has played for 12 overseas pro teams.



Bill Murray (Bill Murray) “Space Jam”
Not on another planet.

Pros: Cerebral player. Coach on the floor. Good locker room guy.

Cons: Motivational problems. Doesn’t take games serious enough. Over confident. A tweener. Conditioning issues. No longer able to log heavy minutes.

Real Life Comparison: Bill Murray, who doesn’t mail in his performance in front of a “blue screen”.


Who’s your pick?
Any other favorites that I missed. I missed some deliberately, just to give you a chance. Hello… anybody out there?


[Note: I went with Wahlberg instead of DiCaprio from “The Basketball Diaries” because this was already a point guard-heavy list. And, there’s nothing that DiCaprio showed that Fox couldn’t do. I went with Snipes over Woody Harrelson because everyone knows Billy Hoyle was in another class as a player. More on him in a later story.]