Act Like a Basketball Player

You’ll never see the star basketball player with a lead role in the school play. Why? Because actors can’t play basketball. Apparently, I’m the only one who’s noticed. Hollywood has a long and storied history for throwing its pint-sized leading men onto the hardwood to “act” like they know what they are doing.

Most of the time, it’s a regrettable exercise in futility. Sometimes, it’s a trainwreck. Every once in awhile, Hollywood hoodwinks the naive movie-goer into believing that their favorite actor actually has “skills”.

I'm not fooled. Take a look at my scouting reports for actors who have portrayed basketball players. These are movies that I own in my extensive VHS movie collection, now collecting dirt in the furnace room. This is not a complete list. But, it is a sound representation of Hollywood and its lack of athletic leading men:


Michael J. Fox (Scott Howard) “Teen Wolf”
Not as the Wolf.

Pros: Consummate floor general, inspired team to big win against their biggest rival, led by two-sport star, Mike Piazza. Hit free throws during crunch time. Plus, brings the adage, "It's better to be the sweaty hairy guy, than to guard the sweaty hairy guy" to a new level.

Cons: Only 5’3”. Shoots a jump shot from the free throw line, hence he struggles from the stripe. Deliberate dribbler. Weak to his left. Too many awkward and forced, behind-the-back bounce passes to finish off fast breaks. Atrocious defender.

Real Life Comparison: Dan Dickau, moppy haired mite who plays backup PG for the abysmal LA Clippers NBA franchise.



Bud (Bud) “Air Bud”
Not in heat.

Pros: Great finisher at the rim. Fastest player on the court at all times.

Cons: Cannot dribble. Can’t create scoring opportunities for self. Needs a great PG to play with. Questionable work ethic. Motivational issues (usually cured with proper amount of kibble).

Real Life Comparison: Teen Wolf



C. Thomas Howell (Mark Watson) “Soul Man"
Not as a white guy

Pros: Always gets open for a shot. “Looks” like a basketball player, circa 1986.

Cons: Ballhog. Can’t pass. Can’t shoot. Can’t defend. Locker room cancer.

Real Life Comparison: Former NBA player, and fledgling actor, and very white black guy… Rick Fox. Just look at that picture for chrissakes! That's Rick Fox!



Wesley Snipes (Sydney Dean) “White Men Can't Jump”
Not fixing games to screw people out of money

Pros: Strong driving to the rim. Good defender. Range out to 20 feet. Knows the limitations of his teammates.

Cons: Too flashy for his own good: from his neon, too-short biker shorts to the three tank tops to the multiple 720-degree spinning layups. Susceptible to nefarious influences and character issues. Too willing to break up winning team for personal glory.

Real Life Comparison: Kobe Bryant, circa 2004.



Mark Wahlberg (Mickey) “The Basketball Diaries”
Not high on drugs

Pros: Rebounding machine. Skilled big man can pass, dunk and block shots with the best of them in the NYC church league, circa 1965. Stronger than most PFs in the league. Not afraid to mix it up inside.

Cons: He’s ONLY 5’6”! Geez, an 87-year old Abe Vigoda could post him up for chrissakes. Plus, he’s a hothead who is liable to get kicked out of a game at any time. He also goes for the flashy play instead of the safe, reliable one. Motivational issues. Character issues. HUGE drug issues. Prone to bouts of violent behavior.

Real Life Comparison: A poor man’s Charles Barkley really, really high on drugs.



Kevin Bacon (Jimmy Dolan) “The Air Up There”
Not as the guy from those HORRIBLE Hanes underwear commercials with Michael Jordan that makes it obvious the two were never in the same room together… or that Kevin Bacon has a shred of athleticism.

Pros: Supposedly, a great player before knee injuries sapped most of his athleticism. Great mind makes him a great coach on the floor, or in the African bush.

Cons: Lousy with the dribble. Awkward form on his paper shots into wastebasket. Most of his success came against players from third-world countries that never played organized ball before.

Real Life Comparison: Paul Shirley, fledgling basketball player and author who has played for 12 overseas pro teams.



Bill Murray (Bill Murray) “Space Jam”
Not on another planet.

Pros: Cerebral player. Coach on the floor. Good locker room guy.

Cons: Motivational problems. Doesn’t take games serious enough. Over confident. A tweener. Conditioning issues. No longer able to log heavy minutes.

Real Life Comparison: Bill Murray, who doesn’t mail in his performance in front of a “blue screen”.


Who’s your pick?
Any other favorites that I missed. I missed some deliberately, just to give you a chance. Hello… anybody out there?


[Note: I went with Wahlberg instead of DiCaprio from “The Basketball Diaries” because this was already a point guard-heavy list. And, there’s nothing that DiCaprio showed that Fox couldn’t do. I went with Snipes over Woody Harrelson because everyone knows Billy Hoyle was in another class as a player. More on him in a later story.]

Drinking in the NBA...

There are two types of people in this world:

1. Those who I would drink a beer with at a bar.
2. Those who don't make the cut.

Sadly, the NBA has far more players who fit into the latter category. Fortunately, there are a few who are alright. In fact, I have enjoyed a beer or three with a few players, including:

Tim Duncan. Friendly jovial big lug who ends up being pleasantly down to earth by beer two. The only problem is that he always throws up his arms in disgust and scowls at the barkeep with an incredulous look whenever I tell him it's his turn to buy a round.



Kevin Garnett. Free beers all night. He passes up drinks for himself to get them for me and his crew. Unfortunately, when it's time to pay up, he's too far from the bar, or disappears entirely. Plus, if you think he's emotionally unstable with the yelling and crying on the court... you should see him after a couple of drinks. Sweet Fancy Moses, it's like he's auditioning for the next Real World or pledging a sorority for chrissakes.

Shaq. Fun and lively. Plus, he's a big oaf, so there's always a ton of food. But, he only goes to places that feature his songs on the jukebox and/or are willing to play KAZAAM repeatedly on the flatscreen over the bar. Plus, he STILL thinks he's a real cop, so he walks around with a police baton and threatens to arrest people if they look at him funny... or order "Kobe" beef off the menu.




Chris Kaman. Seriously, how many chances does one get to have a beer with the "Unfrozen Caveman NBA Player". To be honest, the guy is alright. It ended up a lot better than the time I met the NBA's only space alien for a beer after a game. Note to everyone: don't bring Sam Cassell along as a wingman. Chicks don't really dig it.




Kobe Bryant. First of all, Bryant said he was too good for beer. So, he drank white wine. Then, he tried to speak in Italian for most of the evening. I finally left when he kept asking me if I thought he looked like Michael Jordan when he drank his wine. Creepy. Plus, his team of agents and publicists were there with cue cards for Bryant to use whenever he didn't know what to say or do.




Marko Jaric. I invited him to see if his girlfriend would show. She didn't. So, I ditched him.


Rashad McCants. Just kidding. But, stay tuned for my next post: "NBA Players I'd like to hit over the head with a broken beer bottle".

Fight! Fight! Fight! Hey, This Aint Hockey.

So, a basketball guy walked into a hockey arena...

As the crowd began filing in around me, I noticed a buzz in the air. I could sense the anticipation. Were these fans anxiously awaiting crisp passes, powerful slapshots and sprawling saves?

No.

Suddenly, the jumbotron lit up. Loud music shook the arena. (Thank goodness it wasn't the ubiquitous "Welcome to the Jungle") And, a clip of two guys punching the daylights out of one another got most of the crowd to their feet. The clip revealed highlights from the Minnesota Wild's recent road trip. The "highlights", in order:

1. Fight.
2. Fight.
3. Fight.
4. Scuffling that preceded fight.
5. A punch to the face.
6. Some guy got pushed in the back of the head.
7. A bunch of hard hits (some penalties).
8. Three highlights of goals scored. (along with text joking, "Oh yeah, some goals were scored, too").

The gal pal and I giggled as we watched the bloodthirsty crowd around us oooh and ahh over every punch. Then, we laughed some more once the game began. The big checks and angst during any scrum garnered more genuine excitement than any of the swift passes or nifty teamwork that directly preceded any of the home team's five goals.

The loudest cheers erupted when Derek Booguard, the 6'8" local goon, jumped over the boards. No, he isn't the Wild's best player. In fact, in four seasons, he has only two goals. He gets on the ice for one reason only -- to fight. As he circled the rink, using his stick to poke and prod anyone into an altercation . . . the crowd ate it up. The visiting Avalanche did not. Nobody took the bait, and Booguard left the ice to a few boos of disappointment.

By the end of the game (or, by the time we left sometime in the third period), it was clear what drives the average hockey fan: Goons being goons.

Now, imagine you're at an NBA basketball game. And instead of highlights preceding the player introductions to amp up the crowd, there are only clips of fights and hard fouls.

How long until the same folks who eat up the hockey culture began calling the NBA a league full of thugs? And, sometimes, maybe, just maybe... are these same folks quick to label somebody a "thug" just because they are a slightly different hue?

Proof that Abe is the World's Biggest NBA Rube...

I sat through the entire Oklahoma City vs. Minnesota game. The Wolves won 105 - 103 on a Mike Miller buzzer beater. I'm gonna share some insights with you. YES, this means you. I don't care if it's more painful to discuss these two fledgling franchises than getting kicked in the groin. You're gonna listen, and you're gonna learn some stuff.
____________________

1. Soon-to-be journeyman postplayer, Craig Smith, was the best player on the court. Journeyman postplayer, Chris Wilcox, was second. Jeff Green was third and Al Jefferson 4th. Sebastian Telfair and Russel Westbrook were tied for 5th. And, Kevin Durant was 7th... by default... just ahead of Joe Smith. Actually, Miller moves up there ahead of Durant, too. Despite an overall sloppy game.

So, as the 8th best player on the court in a contest involving two shoddy teams, Durant was unimpressive. He does NOTHING for me. My worst fears for this kid seem to be coming true. Heck, with what I saw from him tonight... he'd be fortunate to become the next Glenn Robinson. (And, that would be a terrible waste of talent.) Too much standing around waiting for a jump shot. The worst was after Wilcox scored FOUR straight baskets without Durant shooting. Suddenly Durant hoists an off-balance three pointer... just because he hadn't gotten his touches. OH OH toothless yokels. Fortunately, Oklahomans are too new and naive NBA ball to realize what these antics mean. If Durant isn't taught how to play the game soon, he'll never improve. Bad habits breed more bad habits.

2. Russell Westbrook is really fast. No. Very fast. No, seriously, I had to check my fast forward on the DVR twice. He is in another world athletically. But, he has a lot to learn, and his handle is terrible.

3. Kevin Love shot 4 - 7. So, he improved his shooting to 16 - 59 (27%) over the past couple of weeks. Yeah, I know he'll improve. But, if anyone brings up OJ Mayo, I'll punch you in the ear. (Oh wait, somebody would have to actually read this blog for that to happen.)

4. The Timberwolves broadcast team said something about Randy Foye making pointed comments toward Love about not forcing shots near the end of the game. I found this odd. Randy Foye giving advice on how to play basketball is like Plaxico Burress offering gun safety classes.

5. Rashad McCants didn't play for the second time in three games. The Wolves won for the second time in three games. Anyone want to venture which game he DID play in?

6. I wondered aloud how Miller was so open at that spot at that time for the game winner. All I saw was a blur of a Thunder player zoom by. My initial reaction, "Stupid defensive play. Must have been Damien Wilkins." I found out that it was indeed Wilkins. Somewhere PJ Carliesimo is laughing at Scott Brooks. "Sucker!"

The Timberwolves tried to snatch Wilkins away from Seattle a few years ago with a qualifying offer. Whew! Thank you Seattle for falling on that grenade.

7. Both teams are poor. Perhaps, very poor. But, both shot better than normal. Oklahoma is the worst shooting team in the league. They shot 50%. Is this because they were on... or was the Wolves D really that bad? Maybe one should ask Chris Wilcox. I'm sure he dug Al Jefferson's post "defense".

8. Mike Miller is beginning to look like Carrot Top.

9. I am beginning to think I wasted three hours of my life watching that dreadful game.

That Better be Butter in Your Pocket.

So, yesterday I have a job interview (sort of).

Halfway through, the lady hands me some papers to look over and sign. So, being prepared, I reach into my pants pocket for the pen that I brought.

Oh oh.

I forgot that I had worn those pants to a luncheon social on Saturday. Banquet/buffet style. And, I had grabbed one of those butter packets packaged in tinfoil.

Oh oh, is right.

By the time of the interview, (two days later), it was obviously melted. And, a huge mess. I realized this as I took out the pen and noticed a bunch of yellow slime on it. I tossed the top half of the pen that was covered with the butter to the ground. (I don't know if the chick saw it).

So, I spent the rest of the interview writing with a pen of butter, while trying to wipe the residue off my socks. And, trying to retrieve the top half of the pen that was completely covered in butter with my foot.

Kevin Garnett Loses Voice; Placed on Injured List

Milwaukee, WI.

Kevin Garnett, 11-time all-star and vocal leader of the World Champion Boston Celtics, was placed on the injured list late Friday evening with what team officials classified as a mild case of laryngitis. The injury appeared to occur shortly after Garnett fouled out in an OT win versus the Milwaukee Bucks.

"Kevin was yelling and screaming incoherently, just like usual, when all of a sudden I heard a whistle and then deafening silence", said teammate Leon Powe, who is expected to replace Garnett in the starting lineup. "It was eerie. Without cues from Kevin on what our emotional state of mind should be, we didn't know what to do after Pierce hit those last free throws to ice the game."

After a brief moment of confusion, the team walked off the court in silence, apparently more worried about the loss of their emotional leader than the hardfought win against a second-rate team. With a game against the second-place New York Knicks on the horizon, coach Doc Rivers tried to remain positive.

"It'll be a tough game to coach", said Rivers. "How will I know if we're doing well if I can't hear Kevin screaming profanity-laced tirades at everyone within ten feet of him? I just hope that he's OK. Without the ability to scream, people will start to notice his precipitous drop in production sooner than later."

Rashad McCants Doesn't Like Me.

Otherwise, he wouldn't be so willing to destroy the beauty of the sport I love so much.